I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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