I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
