u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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