Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize