Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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