How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
