Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize