I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
