if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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