I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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