you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
So much rum. So many feels.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
