If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
