I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this boner is exhausting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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