it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We're too hungover to prance.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You don't make any sense
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