Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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