You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
