Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize