there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
