peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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