last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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