I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Green mimosas i think yes
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
