i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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