meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
