all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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