No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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