god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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