he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
