I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
