She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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