Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
