If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
