I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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