Dude my mom stole all your condoms
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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