I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
