you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you made out with another girl for some wings
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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