Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
