nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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