I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
