we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
