if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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