my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
