look no pants
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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