I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
People in love make me want to vomit
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
