It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize