Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
