i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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