i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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