I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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