I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
