its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
