none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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