At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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