I heard we made out
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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