We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
