those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize