My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A bitchslap is in order.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
