I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
