We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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