i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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