I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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