I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
