never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
