I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
